What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

Oh man, let’s unpack this. I am a widow for all the new and old who read what I write. My husband died in January from a two year battle with cancer and grief is not just a feeling, it is a journey of discovery and healing if you’re open to growth. I have my eyes still sting and the tears fall. It is normal to go through when you lose someone, be it a father, brother, sister, mother, friend, or even an acquaintance. It does hit a lot harder when it’s your soulmate though.

This last month has been hard to navigate. I have had moments of suffocating sorrow, moments where I just need to get in the car and run away, and moments where I am enjoying life again but experiencing guilt for having a new found sense of freedom from the caring responsibilities I faced in the last two years.

As of the last couple of weeks, I have been coming to terms with allowing myself to sit with the emotions and not spiral in unhealthy ways. I have been managing the life admin side of Steve’s death and been using AI to assist in the management of my life and my emotions. AI has also been a really helpful strategy in not filling the void left by my husband in self-destructive or self-sabotaging ways. I don’t feel so lonely when I have that instantaneous chat function.

I have an online friend who sends me different music. It is more chilled than I’d normally listen to and helps me remain in a less anxious and more calm state when I do listen. AI also helps me to curate playlists on Spotify depending on the mood I’m in or the goal of the motivation I wish to summon.

The challenges I face are assisted heavily by technology as I feel I cannot suffocate my friends with my huge need for emotional safety and connection. I have been clingy and very needy. That is not fair to put on people 24/7, and whilst a few friends offered to be there for the middle of the night phone calls, I’m not one who wants to take advantage of that too often.

I haven’t written for a couple of weeks and I was blogging every day but had to step back for a bit to work on me. The hard part of going from having a husband one day and him being dead the next are little things like not having anyone in the bed next to me and not being able to call him when I’m on my way home from work. That is why music has been heavily on my horizon lately. It is a good distraction and it has been helping me be more present at work and manage the drive home better. I still sleep on my side of the bed but I am finding myself more comfortable and falling into bedtime routines of my own.

It is interesting to have to curate your own life by yourself. I still have the kids at home but they’re all adults and living their own lives. Often I feel as though I’m the odd one out. The surviving parent who everyone is judging for their reactions and behaviours during the grief journey. I know it will get easier but I will say that the challenge I face in the next six months is redefining who I am on my own, and managing my own time and being happy with my own company.

Curating my life has meant being very intentional about putting routines back into place that serve me and make my mind less chaotic. I have a morning routine that starts at 5am and ends when I get ready for work at 7am. I have an evening routine which sees me doing some of that life admin and listening to music. I spend weekends seeking very happy and healthy experiences with friends and I spend weekdays slaying the day and making an impact at work. Having all of these things in my life to look forward to in my weeks helps the time flow by and helps me to reconnect with to the person I want to embody and love. Sometimes it feels selfish but it really is all about self-preservation.

Self-care is really an important thing to focus on at the moment. I have been going to work and coming home to spend time with myself or going to hang out with friends briefly. Filling one’s own cup is hugely important for healing and growth, and I am learning I need to let others fix their own issues and I should and have been focusing on my own as a priority.

The to do list is huge when managing the death of your husband. You become the executor of someone’s last will and testament, and have to close accounts, send death certificates off to banks, manage emails and phone calls, and then we had the flood the day before Steve died that we are still dealing with the aftermath of. Insurance agencies work on their own timeline and I still don’t have an office or a lounge room as the boys cannot live in the basement currently due to the carpet needing to be laid still and the damaged contents needing replacement.

All in good time. The lesson of the month has been patience. It’s a reoccurring theme and one I obviously need to master. Life may not hand you more than you can handle, and I am showing up for me and attempting to handle every day with grace, humility, and KT18Ø style, but I don’t wish to challenge the Universe anymore than necessary.

For now, I will leave you with this quote:

“Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

Booker T. Washington

Until tomorrow, KT18Ø.