What do you complain about the most?

When I thought about this prompt, I thought for sure it had to be drivers on the road, in particular Tesla drivers. They purchase expensive cars that they have zero clue on how to drive. However, I love driving and generally my road rage is fleeting. I had to put the question over to an expert… my daughter. She declared I complain about the kitchen the most. I told her that was a very fair assessment and I agreed with her.

My kitchen is the one place that brings my family together every single night. We create meals to eat together around the table and have moments of bonding, laughter and love. The family dinners together have been the one thing I have always insisted upon as without family, you have a very lonely existence. Family means everything.

The best way to get ready for family time in our house is to cook a delicious meal, and if you must be cooking for a small army, the kitchen needs to be ready to cook up a storm in. Steve used to unload the dishwasher every morning before he got cancer and when he was in the middle of his sickness and I was caring for him, I took over the role of keeping that kitchen clean throughout the day. I even bought a sign for the dishwasher so that the kids would see that the dishwasher was ready to be loaded throughout the day to be put on a wash cycle when it was finally full.

During Steve’s cancer journey, I went to work on the odd occasion. This would be a difficult day for me if it happened as I would be anxious about Steve’s well being and the family seemed to get used to me being more available normally and I would be inundated with requests for assistance. I would come home and just crumble in a massive meltdown, especially if I walked into the house and the kitchen looked like a bomb site. I figured I spoke about keeping the kitchen functioning and tidy so much that people would respect my wishes to keep it going in my absence, but that was not always the case. I would hate coming home from working all day in a mentally draining analytical role to have to tidy the kitchen so that someone could cook for the family.

If the cooking had to be done by me, that was even worse. I’m going to start writing about my trauma here now. If you are a victim of domestic violence, here is your trigger warning.

I had two domestically violent marriages before I met Steve. The first one was a sporting coach who lured me in at the age of 17 and spent our entire relationship controlling me and manipulating my life. His constant saying was “I’m older and therefore I know better.” He never treated me as an equal and also tried to keep my parents controlling me to enable his control on me. I spent many nights cooking and cleaning for him and our two young boys but he was a PlayStation gamer whose self importance was put above all others. He would refuse to come to the table and then abuse me for his dinner being cold when he finally came to eat it.

The second husband was the biggest mistake of my life though. The first one was a trip to Disney land in comparison. I was groomed by him and our wedding night was when he decided to show his true colours. He dislocated my shoulder when he finally came to bed. He would abuse me for my choice in recipes and my son can remember coming out of his room to witness the beatings I took for cooking the wrong thing.

I have Hashimoto’s disease and red meat (especially mince) makes me feel sick. He would allow me to cook for my boys but ended up making spaghetti bolognese and other red meat dishes for us because he refused to eat my food. I like fish and vegetables but the flack I would cop because he hated fish was not worth eating things I could actually stomach. If I did cook for the both of us, he would refuse to eat it and tell me I wasn’t good at cooking. It really shattered my confidence and to this day, I have a baseline level of anxiety when cooking, even though I can cook and have had many nights of compliments.

So, the one thing I can do in the kitchen is keep it clean. It keeps the kitchen clutter-free and helps keep the clutter out of my mental space. I think the kids are starting to see what my needs are more as my daughter has acknowledged that the kitchen being messy is one of my bug bears.

If you see dishes in my sink, this is a criminal activity in my house. The logic behind it is I cannot wash dishes in the sink if the sink is full. If they’re on the side, the sink can be filled with soapy warm water and I can wash them with ease. I will make a child clean the entire kitchen by themselves if I find my sink in this state.

For tonight, I will leave you with this quote:

“I’m a freak of neat. The kitchen has to be clean.”

Geoffrey Zakarian

Until tomorrow, KT18Ø.