What’s your definition of romantic?

This is a tough one. Oxford defines the noun as “a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love” but the verb has always been my idea of what romance is. I have always seen it as a way of gaining love through courtship. The act of dating is romancing and simple gestures can be romantic. With actual definitions, I can see where my ideas of romance have come from. The very elicits the noun’s emotion/feeling response. That sounds all very academic but I will unpack that in a more meaningful way now.

Courtship is a very old-fashioned term for dating. I heard stories of my parents courting before they married. They went to meetings and dances and bands. They went on actual dates and saved themselves for married life. I was always thought that was a more romantic time because it was about showing love and giving an insight to each other about the fun, happiness, and love they could both share.

I don’t think I really understood that all I really wanted was an old school love until much later in life. I had rebelled as a teenager and sought out more maladaptive behaviours of binge drinking and partying than building a foundation of friendship for a lasting relationship. The risk and thrill seeking was the impetus for my bad relationships. I know domestic violence is not ok but if it wasn’t for me seeking the wrong things, it wouldn’t have happened the way it did.

I was going on a lot of dates when I returned myself back to the dating game, so to speak. I’d been single for 2.5 years and lived with my parents through that time. They still dated each other after all that time, or happily were each other’s companion at home which brought them both contentment. What I saw made me realise I had been barking up the wrong tree during my younger years.

Some dates went well. Some dates were awkward. One date was such a fun night but ended with me seeing that I don’t always want to be with people when they show certain personality traits or behavioural characteristics. When you sit back and observe for a while, you can give yourself a chance to ask, “is this who I want to be with in my future?“

It wasn’t until the fateful night of Valentine’s that I finally had an opportunity to meet the man of my dreams. This story contains being stood up, having a mutual friend step in, and someone being forever known as “couch guy”. Steve and I met through a friend who had played match maker between us for a period of months but I was the last one to be brought into the loop.

Apparently, a few months prior, she had told Steve I was his type. Steve was very specific about his type as he had sat down to make a list of what he wanted in a girl. I guess I had a list too, but it was more an image in my head of the love my parents shared. Steve waited for a long time for our friend to tell me. He had asked her for updates a couple of times but had tried to remain patient.

When she finally told me about him a couple of days after me being stood up on Valentine’s Day, I asked for his name to look at him on Facebook. To this day, we still laugh about having stalked each other’s profiles to get an idea of what the other person was like. Unfortunately for Facebook, you get to see a small glimpse of their personality and likes, but you mostly just see what they look like.

I noticed that Steve had checked in with our friend and another lady at my workplace and that his privacy settings were public. I started commenting with humour on that post and our friend started bantering with me. He has said his phone blew up with notifications and he realised our friend had finally followed through with her promise of connecting us. Why did I comment on his post? I saw a face I would be happy growing old with and a face I could fall in love with.

We moved to a private messenger chat and by the end of the night, I had his phone number and he had mine. We texted for a little while and then we had our first phone call. It lasted 3.5 hours and there wasn’t a single lull in the conversation. The conversation started the honesty and set the tone for our open communication. We asked all sorts of questions and gave all sorts of answers freely, even if there was a risk the other one would be scared away by the content and the context of the conversation.

It did not deter either of us and we had our first date on the 18th of February, a mere four days after that fateful Valentine’s night. our friend had organised to introduce us in person two days later, and we still went through with that, but he could not wait any longer. He yearned to meet me on his own terms for that first date. Cyclone Marsha was giving us wild weather but that was not something that scared Steve. He drove 30 minutes to my home through the storm and met my father at the door.

I don’t wear makeup often but I made an effort to do so that night. I wore a pretty, long dress and bubbled with excitement waiting for him to pick me up for coffee. It was also the first time I’d been set up on a “blind” date but I am not sure it fits the criteria as we had Facebook and leapt into conversation as neither of us could wait. Steve had waited long enough so I’m sure he was so excited but in my mind, this guy was mature enough to not want to play with my heart and emotions, but young enough at heart to keep me inspired and feeling love. All that gained from a photo.

We went up to Point Cartwright and sat in his tiny Honda Jazz whilst the rain and wind smashed the world around us. It did not bother us. We talked. We kissed. We held hands. And just before we left, I said to Steve with all the sincerity I could muster, “I think this is the start of a beautiful romance”, and he replied, “no, I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship.” That set the tone of our courtship.

Going into the relationship with Steve, I wanted romance. I wanted someone to make an effort to gain my love and show me I was important enough to spoil, cherish, and shower with affection. Steve wanted a steady, permanent, long-term relationship with no head games, and commitment. We took on each other’s intentions and set out to build a life we found joy in.

Within a couple of weeks, “I love you” was freely part of our vocabulary, and within a month, Steve knew he wanted to marry me. We both agreed we didn’t want to rush things and would have a long, drawn out engagement when he did choose to pop the question, but that was not a bad thing; it in fact strengthened our relationship and made us focus on each other and our family rather than having a whirlwind fling that fizzled out too soon.

He makes me appreciate being the focus of his love and attention, he goes to relationship counselling with me to keep our relationship strengthened and everlasting, he makes time to date me still and go on adventures with me, and he makes me feel desired and better about my own self worth because I learnt to see myself the way he sees me.

So, to me romance means actively showing one love in so many different ways because that is what is truly important in a relationship. People either stay unhappily out of fear of pain or change, or people stay because they feel joy, happiness, desire, and companionship. I hit the jackpot the day I found out Steve existed. I finally found true love.

I will leave this quote for contemplation:

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides”

David Viscott

Until tomorrow, KT18Ø