List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?

Today I saw the daily prompt about three books that have impacted my life. I was alone at lunch and put on some music in my headphones. The first book I thought of was “Lion of Ireland” by Morgan Llywelyn.

This book was found in the library of my first high school. It was a very Christian school but I was always finding things to read that did not align with the word of God like you would think would be stocked in the library of a private school. This book suckered me in from page one and I could not put it down until it was finished.

The story was about Brian, the son of the Irish Chief or King of their clan. It had battles, it had love, it had marriage, it had sex, it had childbirth, it had pillaging, plundering and rape. It was a really riveting read. I felt so compelled to align my empathy with Fiona, the wife of Brian. She had loved him and been free and wild. This was until she was raped and her life became devoted to her kids and she became a mere shell of her former self. She loved Brian but after the trauma, she could not give herself freely as a wife or an individual.

Lion of Ireland impacted me in a way I never thought possible as a 14 year old. It inspired me to travel, although I still am yet to step foot in Ireland. It also led me to devote myself to my children. I had always strayed away from peers of my own age. I was not like them. I didn’t fit in. But I always made sure the younger generation was protected from bullies. I never wanted to see them go through what I had gone through.

Then, when I had my own children, I tried to be my own person but my first and second husbands made every effort to isolate me from my circle. My life was only for my kids as my exes never gave me any reason to give myself to them as a devoted wife. This is where I differ from Fiona. She had the most wonderful husband, strong, loving and protective. She could not give herself to him due to trauma inflicted on her from others. My pain came from the very people who were supposed to show me love though and that was the hardest and most bitterest pill to swallow.

What I have learnt is that my now husband is my Brian, my burly bloke who would protect me at all costs, love me tenderly and be the King of our world. I’m glad I didn’t settle for less than my worth and I’m glad I met him at a time where I was mature enough to know what I wanted and what I didn’t want in a man and a relationship. I am blessed, even if things aren’t always going great. I know we will pull through our hardships as we are committed to creating and building our empire together. So while I have for a long time put the kids first, I feel like having Steve’s cancer journey go on in our lives, I have renewed my promise to him and found me again in the process. I’m not ok at the moment and neither is he, but we are going to come out the other side of this stronger in love and richer in life.

“He took her into his arms again, using all his strength to be gentle, and let his lips touch her so lightly he could hardly feel it”

Morgan Llywelyn ~ Lion of Ireland

The next book I thought about whilst sitting on my upside down milk crate had to be “Losing my Virginity” by Richard Branson. Let’s face it, the guy is an enigma! This is a book I bought on a Virgin flight, which was either to Cairns, Adelaide or Canberra. Trying to remember which trip it was is hard as I don’t actually remember taking too many flights during my time with my exes.

The book was a best seller and highly acclaimed, not because of who Richard was but how he got there. It was an autobiography of a man who never really did well at anything academic but had a brilliant mind for out-of-the-box ideas and sheer determination and perseverance. The things he did in his life were a mix of crazy and luck but he never stopped, even when things went wrong.

I have a feeling that I never quite got it at first but as I grew in confidence after living through trauma, abuse and heartache, I knew I had to work harder, work smarter, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. My husband helped me learn that I could actually do anything I put my mind to and he picked up the slack at home to ensure I could put my all into my university studies.

You see, I started my degree in 2003. I had been through a few courses including a diploma of accounting but when the TAFE told me they were reconstructing my course and I would have to start over again, I decided to do something that scared the absolute wits out of me. I had been speaking to my brother who was at uni at the time and looked at his course outlines. Just the layout of those documents told me that it was going to help me with routine, knowing what I needed to get done, and I was smart enough to achieve this dream.

I sat the special tertiary administration test and got in the top 3% of Queensland in the results. I knew the moment I got the results, I could no longer just coast along doing nothing. I had to use that momentum and I was accepted into an accounting degree at USC. I enrolled in my first classes and got really good grades. I received a letter from the Dean in my first semester for a 6 GPA and I feel that was the start of my downfall.

I had gone to karate classes at the uni with my international friends and ended up grading for my yellow belt. I was so proud of myself as I had done Tai Kwon Do as a kid but never gotten anywhere. That night, I wanted to go to the celebration party and my first husband forbid me to go out with my friends. I knew this was not ok and I knew that I could not allow him to control me. It took me until May 2004 to leave him. I had tried about 3 months before to verbally ask him to leave but he called my parents at 3am in the morning and they threatened to take away everything from my life and leave me homeless, without a vehicle, and without support for raising my kids. That was hard to hear as I was virtually raising them myself anyway. My ex did not help and abused me when he had to “babysit”.

The next day, I spent the day at my friends house with another friend and I just sobbed out of hopelessness. Three months later, I was sitting in an economics class at uni and my friend told me to write a letter to him, telling him it was time to leave. He still has that letter to my knowledge because he wanted to show my kids when they were old enough what their mother did to ruin their family. It was never anything he did and he still to this day believes that I have won the game as the kids are with me. I personally don’t think it should ever been seen as a game and his behaviour, whilst always abhorrent, is no longer my problem.

Meanwhile, I then met my daughters father and that is where I went from the frying pan into the fire. That is where I was truly broken, and remained broken and on the wrong path for a very long time. I should have known it would not ever be ok when he dislocated my shoulder on our wedding night. The holes in our walls and doors were bad enough but when your middle child can remember watching him beat you up, you know you did the wrong thing by them in putting them in a situation like that. It was not just me that he broke and we are still dealing with complex trauma issues from that time.

I did not attend uni for a long time. The minute I realised that my new husband was the real deal and this was an area suitable for growth, healing and achieving mutual goals together, I reenrolled into uni. My first semester back, I did one course just to test the water. I did so well, I topped the class and won a green pen and an umbrella. I was even invited to do a service learning project auditing rural fire brigades. After that, I gave my all to uni and my then fiancé cooked, cleaned and worked to get me through to graduation. I had gotten to a point in my last year that I was giving academic advice to my student peers alongside academic professionals.

The biggest difference between my first half of my degree and the second was I finally had someone who had my back and believed in me fully. He also would not marry me until I had graduated. He thought it would be too distracting to plan a wedding whilst studying and it was a good goal to have as a reward for the completion of my degree. We went through some trauma when we lost his Dad at the end of 2018 to cancer but by then, I had gained an internship in Canberra and left my family for two months to work and gain experience in the public service.

After graduation, we got married in his Dad’s backyard in a quaint little ceremony and I finally took on his last name. Whilst my degree is in my maiden name, everything I have achieved since we married has been with his last name and I am so proud to carry that.

So from “I do” to now, we worked, we got through covid, and I got an offer to relocate our family to Canberra in 2021. It was scary. It was a 10 month recruitment process and the day I got the job offer, we had literally just waved goodbye to the removalist from our new rental. Even the kids had their objections but when we sat down and thought about the lack of opportunities in Queensland, and the life we could build in Canberra, it was like Richard Branson himself was whispering in my ear… “Screw it, lets do it!” So we hopped on a plane after packing up our house and sending our cars on transport and landed in the ACT in January 2021.

So there you have it, reading a book about doing what scares you because it will bring you the best of the best in your life has impacted us greatly, even if it took a while for the message to sink in.

My parents had always drilled into me that the best motto to follow is “Nothing ventured; nothing gained.”

Richard Branson ~ Losing my Virginity

Yes, you are right. This is a very long post but the last is definitely not the least. My third most impactful book is “The Star-Touched Queen” by Roshani Chokshi. This book was magical and drew me in so quickly and deeply that I don’t think I came up for air for two days. We were living in Queensland and would go to our local shops to catch the library bus weekly. This book was beautiful and hardcover books have always made me happy squeal.

This book was based in a kingdom where the teenager was given away in an arranged marriage when all she ever wanted to do was learn and be a student. The man who she married ended up winning her heart and they discovered they were truly soulmates.

Whilst I cannot see myself in the main character and I do not believe that I am magical, I did really get swept away with the love story. It was a lovely story to have as a guide to what true love can look like. I would like to think that even if my relationship goes through ups and downs, the love we have for each other is enough to stand strong together against the face of adversity, win battles against outside forces trying to put us down, and have magical moments together where the two of us can look into each others eyes and know we were destined to be with each other.

“I love you,” he murmured into my hair. “You are my night and stars, the fate I would fix myself to in any life.”

Roshani Chokshi ~ The Star-Touched Queen

So for now, I am going to head to sleep and be ready for Steve’s first day of radiation tomorrow. Today was long and hard but I felt productive. Tomorrow I will get up and Steve will not be alone in this journey, no matter how scary it is or how hard it is on us as a couple. I will leave you with this quote.

“Don’t let pain define you, let it refine you”

Tim Fargo

Until tomorrow ~ KT18Ø