What fears have you overcome and how?

For the longest time, I would avoid conflict. Conflict would always come (when you have had DV relationships, there isn’t a day without conflict), but I would always attempt to people please or shrink away into the shadows. Lets take a moment to delve into domestically violent conflict to see where I’ve come from.

One thing I know from living in abuse and studying a little bit of psychology as an interest and an elective at uni, narcissists will always bring conflict with them. The entire aim is to not meet eye to eye ever, and to make you feel as though you are always the entire problem, even when you are the victim.

Narcissists will play the victim when you stand up for yourself

No matter what problems you are facing, there will be times when you are too scared to speak up because you know the drama that will play out when you do stand up for yourself. Gaslighting is the worst part because you can remember every single word they ever said to you because trauma impacts long term memory harder than any temporary nice situations ever will, but they will deny every word, call you crazy, and make you question your very being.

The patterns of getting into abusive relationships often come from having a childhood with strict parents who leave you with submission as a coping strategy. Often the abuser in your relationship will come along and groom you, tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear and offer you the life that you’ve always wanted. When they are comfortable with the psychological hold they have on you, they will slowly turn on you, manipulate you, and become your worst nightmare. You will think your trapped as you will have set yourself up to have nowhere to turn, especially with a partner who has isolated you from your support network.

This is where the real damage occurs. You will become a shell of your former self and be complexly and completely broken if you stay for too long.

Submission or permission to leave?

You can stay. You will not have any personal power. You will not have any independence. You will not have any rights as an individual, a partner, or a parent. You may even find that their behaviour escalated to the point that your life is in danger. Then what good will it do you?

Or you can see the relationship for what it is. It is NOT a relationship. It is not a meeting of two loving individuals who live to serve each other. It is at that stage a Stockholm syndrome scenario. You will be a prisoner and when they do give you an inch of hope, it will reinforce your reliance on your captor. This is the time to make a plan of escape and use your resources to leave.

Whether it’s your family, your friends or support services, you can find a better life and I guarantee it will bring you more peace to be on your own than it will to be targeted for ungodly abuse on a daily basis.

Try me

Please understand that it’s not just domestic relationships that this can occur in. It can be in friendships, the workplace, and other human connections. Learn how to spot the red flags early and do not commit yourself to misery when life is supposed to be about the pursuit of happiness and adventure.

If you need support, please check out the following links:

I’m proud of you

Please remember this, you are not alone. You are not without hope. You are not without support. You just need to reach out and you will find out just how loved and how protected you will be. As for me, I did not get out alone. I fought hard and I had the right people by my side. I had a fear of speaking up but the fear of living in torment and trauma for the rest of my life was far greater and that is how I stood up for myself and confronted my fear of confrontation.

This is what I really want you to remember from this blog tonight:

“Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end”

John Lennon

Until tomorrow ~ KT18Ø

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